Event: Kegbus

Where: All over the DC Metro Area

When: You can schedule any one of the 6 kegbuses to pick you and your runnin’ crew up after 12:00 pm any day of the week.

We’ve been emptying the vault of loyal reader feedback today and this email stood out.  

Ryan P. of Washington DC had this to say about his Kegbus/rafting experience:

I have been on two Kegbus trips.  Both were overbooked and late.  One was fine, my most recent, a tubing trip, was a complete DISASTER.  Not only do they overbook the bus to beyond standing room only, they wait for people that are late in order to get as many people as possible.  There was no music on the bus ride up because it was broken, which actually was better than the return trip which has some sort of alarm going off the entire time.  Upon arrival at the river there was no guidance whatsoever and the entire bus wandered around like sheep for 30 minutes before someone was handed a handful of wristbands.  The time allotted for tubing was minimal and since we left late, we had to race down the river in order to get on the standing room only bus back.  The trip was about 65% standing on a crowded bus, 20% waiting, and 15% tubing.  I wrote to complain because we had a large group and were disappointed with the service.  I was told that I would be called back and assumed I would be since I was the organizer of a group of 10.  This never happened and the 10 person group was essentially told, tough luck.  The trips are late, overcrowded, unorganized, broken busses, and no customer service.  It is a good idea in theory but the way it is run, you might as well bring a 6pack on the metro in rush hour.

Well well well, Ryan, this doesnt sound like it generated any moisture at all. Like I always say, if its not going to make me wet then its not worth cramming on a dirty old school bus with a bunch of dejected GW students in the first place. But seriously, this sounds like an absolute con and whats more it appears at though the bus has attracted something much more sinister then self entitled GW “degree” holders.  Journey singing swamp donkeys from New England and New Jersey have recently made their awful presence felt here:

 

 

Mottled bearded double chins, ass dancing, and fat chicks that delight in the rare attention? Oh friend, this is a full scale outrbreak of O’Briens and Abbenantes from Swampscott and Saddle River:  

Apparently lucky he's lucky he got a seat?

 If you really want to get packed on a crate then I suggest getting involved in the Chinese sneaker production industry. If thats not your cheese then do youself a favor and rent a limo, keep the guest list down, and enjoy the ride to the river.

As i’m sure you can guess, I’m Pipelaya. And don’t worry the ottoman has a duvet:

What: Live dancehall

Where: Bossa, Adam’s Morgan

When: Thursday

Band and  D Block:

The reggae band at Bossa was absolutely fantastic. We met some of the band afterward for drinks and they couldn’t be cooler. These guys definitely do no smoke weed so bring the kids. It’s easily worth it just to hear the band. Hey fellows, here’s another gem: you can dance to reggae like a total shitbag and it won’t look that odd.  Reggae is God’s gift to the white man. And it’s my burden.

(I don’t get close to the stage until 0:30 in so you can skip ahead):

The real draw, however is the ridiculous tail. The women here are smoking hot sexy international babies a la Eighteenth Street Lounge and when the reggae is on and the night is late, the women open up and hang.  There is really no male ambition required as the ladies at Bossa are so empowered and liberated they will come up to you just to see what you are made of. I swear I heard some of them even go so far as to say they were “voting” this election. I must be dreaming! All in all you almost get the sense you can’t lose and this was exactly my train of thought around 1:00am on Thursday until the unthinkable happened.

In an unusual move, I’d like to relay a conversation between Brock and myself. The conversation happened the morning after the night out, while the effects of tequila and Five Alive still fogged my brain to the point of unnatural exuberation. I post this in the name of all men out there who have had a friend who sees women as hunted game. Customary to what Sansconnie thought would have you think: “What is the problem? This is the idea, the pursuit of women is a hunt, no?” But oh friend… this is a great mistake because within the hunt mentality are the instincts of the pack: “Who is the dominant male?” “Who eats first?”Hence you have the most basic of male on male crime in late night decision making: The Dick Block. Here is the first hand discussion of such an injustice, relayed in conversation while the poon stench still lingers fresh in the mind and alcohol still permeates the wee hours of the morning. Let this be a lesson to all those males whose discretion amongst their male friends disappears in the presence of women and bare witness to this heinous crime:

Chest: ahhhh

head

kills

anyway point is

i would have fucked you

What: Tacos, ping pong and cheap beer

Where: Bread Soda

When:Tuesday

Quick Facts:

Drinks: $4.00 Guinness, Peroni, Viking, Miller Lite, rail drinks, wine

Food: 3 all beef tacos: $6.00, PB & J on wheat: $3.95, jar of pickles: 6.95, single gherks $0.35

Trim: This place is a deli during the day, but its serves only sweet young pudding at night. The women here are fit, preppy and attractive. Come for the tacos stay for the pink ones.

Scene: It’s clearly a very preppy bar and is a new hotspot for Late Night Shots aficionados. They have a bunch of pool tables, darts, shuffle boards, and on Tuesdays they obviously have ping-pong. Normally this sort of activity would repel women, but here that isn’t the case and the ladies join in on the games.

The shuffle boards and women are in back behind the pool tables. The tacos are tearing hole in my GI tract.

Intoxication 5

Everyone here was really drunk which always makes me happy. Some dude came up to us and just repeated whatthefuck, whatthefuck, whatthefuck and put two fingers out.  I just stuffed a cigarette in his hands and this seemed to make him happy.

Recipe for Success

At Breadsoda the LNS females are hot, slutty and insecure. They combat these qualities with vapid alcoholism and general promiscuity. You can try your luck with them or play shuffleboard and have a threesome with Jergen’s and MOC at home. Everybody wins!

Event: Steelers Football

Where: The Pour House

When: Sunday, Monday

Quick Facts:

Food: Bucket of 20 excellent wings: $15.00

Drinks: $10.00 pitchers of Coors Light and Bud Light

Ladies and gentlemen: I don’t know what the fat sausage eating Steeler dads are feeding their daughters but this place is consistently packed with sweet snizz.

Attire: Don’t wear other team jerseys/gear etc… Wear a Pats jersey and you’ve just declared your penis a no-fly zone with flights grounded all night. 

Scene: There was a guy next to me wearing an Eagles jersey during the Steelers game and this made the group of sexy Steelers ladies angrier then a pair of mixed-race step children:

Mork has gender issues too

If you don’t want to wear a Pittsburgh jersey then fuck, just wear something black - or just don’t sit near me asshole.

Fontanelle

This is a serious football bar. There are LCDs everywhere and you can successfully watch any game provided its not during a Steelers game.  When the game comes on, don’t mention Ben’s concussed Fontanelle baby head. Revere him as if he was your father - the clearance of your favorite defrens hangs on this false truth.

Pretend you like Ben, reap the benefits

Even though the Steelers suck, this is actually a really fun way to spend 8 hours on a Sunday.  In the fall, when  Mother Nature is on the rag, you can come here and mix a rare combination of football and attractive women.  Really, what more could you ask for.

-Chest

What: Fish in a barrel

Where: McFadden’s Restaurant and Saloon

When: 8pm-whenever you wake up in GW dorms Wednesday

Quick Facts:

The Scene: If NIH conducted a study they would find 60% of communicable diseases began and ultimately mutated beyond modern drugs within the confines of McFadden’s. But the scientists would return each Tuesday for further “field research.” This is the love/hate relationship that comes with a night here; if its wrong, you dont want to be right. Downstairs turns into a sea of GW students,  K St. workers and Bridge and Tunnel folks for most of the night. Wait/drink long enough and you will have no moral qualms with taking home that girl you were making fun of earlier.

Ladies: lots of He(y)Bros, as it is blocks from G-Dubs, but quality trim here. Typically rolling in larger groups and not scared of the dancefloor. Very easy to approach as everyone is blacked out.

These hoes is tall son!

Meating People

Of course the phoned in Sneaky Sunday has reviewed McFaddens as well but for some inexplicable reason they “went” there on Thursday and wrote a pointless 3 line review that applies to 98% of bars in DC. Alas, we can’t all have the voracity of Brock and Chest at Sansconnie but at least pretend to try guys:

Six days a week, we might not send you here, but for some reason, on Thursday nights, the girls of George Washington University and other assorted interns and staffers make this a place to meat people. Decent on Monday as well. Jagerbombs all around.

Let me buy you a draaaaaaaank

They have $1 Nattys which is a real classy way to approach a young lady. This is also a great way to settle for much less than you deserve late night. It’s a win-win.

Expect to see co-eds Coyote Ugly style climbing on bars, Jersey trash dance moves on the dance floor and guidos posturing for a fight that will never happen.

Can I borrow your Chapstick real quick?

If you didn’t want it you wouldn’t dress that way

One time I came here, met a girl, and had intercourse with her that very night forthwith. There was no physical or verbal contact afterward. True story.

Definitely worth going for a boys or girls night out but I wouldn’t tell too many people. Here’s the important thing to remember; you can only get Herpes once.

What: 10 cent wing night… McFadden’s precursor

Where: 51st State Tavern

When: Tuesday, 4-7pm

Quick Facts:

Food: Wings are 10 cents a piece. I think i have Giardia now but honestly, 20 wings for 2 dollars and I challenge the idea that you are not satisfied.

Drink: Well drinks and select beers are 3 dollars. Discovery: you can get a “well” shot by ordering a vodka tonic “Sansice and Sanstonic.” It’s a really good deal.

Scene: Mostly swindly folks like myself lured by the promise of cheap mana. Late night is dominated by GW students and Jewish body hair. The bar calls itself an official NY sports bar so its a great place if you’re looking for a fight or your sister to get roof’ied.

Ladies: Decent, young Georgetown respite fed into GW with no sense of bitterness. There is actually a lot of nice young international flavor a la Eighteenth Street Lounge.

Gentlemen: Its similar to the lady situation but there seems to be a lot of fade haircuts and overly volumed conversations about “Ambassador …..” by male interns who clearly clean embassy toilets, but mention titles and countries as if they were on Morning Joe. Maybe fun to look at but you won’t meet your husband here.

If you’re poor…

Cheap wings and drinks. Make your own luck....

Honestly, there isn’t much to say about this event. If you want to get after cheap drinks and food then this is your spot. If you want to meet your mate, I suggest pacing yourself and making your way over to McFaddens at 10 to prepare yourself for a life of Creatine, electrolysis and reshaped flesh. Love ya….

Chest

Event: Trivia Night

Where: Ireland’s 4 Fields

When: Wednesday, 9pm

Quick Facts:

The Scene: Surprisingly enough, the place gets packed every Wednesday at 9pm. If you show up at 8:30, you might find yourself alone with a sexy eastern-euro snack server or the snaggle-mouthed owner who emcees the Trivia Night.. There are also some dart boards which are great for filling time before the masses arrive. The place generally fills up around 8:45 with groups of friends mixed both in gender and age.

Food: Standard pub food

Drinks: Buckets of 5 domestic beers for $12.00

Music: Rock covers(live)

Ladies and Gentlemen:

Eh the single scene is is OKAY. Groups tend to stay within themselves(it’s no Eighteenth Street Lounge…) and its a little preppy white washed but you tell me:

Maybe you should each order a bucket.

Pop quiz

The quiz is given in a painful 80 question format which takes about an hour to finish after which they read the top 3 finishers with the winner getting a $50 food and beer voucher. The categories are fairly varied and nowhere near as crotch-smoothingly nerdy as the questions at Wonderland’s trivia night. The hour long GRE format could be broken up into smaller chunks if for no other reason then to get more exposure to the owner who is in the late stages of alcoholic dementia and will literally fellate the mic in front of the 100+ people in attendance. Some participants were yelling at him for his Abdulesque word slurry - but this was fruitless - he just moaned louder and buried the mic deeper in his tonsils.

Bury that gray headed warrior deep in your love muzzle old man.

Overall, I’d say Four Fields trivia night is worth it. The format could really use some work but the tonsil self-massaging owner/trivia-master man is great, the questions are diverse and well formed, and there are some guys that are even older then the owner who play great live music while you retake your SATs…

Event: “Lunch”

Where: Archibald’s Gentleman’s Club

When: 11:45am, anytime pervert

Okay so I know lunch on a Thursday with three friends isn’t technically a “school night” experience. Some people may have girlfriends who find this sketchy but,  there are no windows down in Archibald’s and it was dark as hell down there. In this case, the concept of time is relative to what’s important to you.

Quick facts:

Cheapest Drink: $7.00 piss beer

Rate you need to tip: you can get away with a dollar per dance. No shitting, I asked for change for a $20 bill and got a mint-condition, clean square stack of consecutive serial-number ones. I hope my laundered 20 went for some good quality meth/employee-weight-control.

Cheapest Food: Pulled-pork BBQ sandwich: disturbingly priced at $5.95

Ladies: Strippers were actually pretty cute. A few had some pretty weird injuries but most, if not all, were quite limber. There are two stages: One front and center nestled between the lunch tables(ours) and a “pity-stage” where overweight Latinas gyrate and likely do their taxes. I don’t think anyone notices either way.

Gentlemen: picture what you might expect at 1145am at a strip club… exactly. Highlight was the 70+ gentleman there who would sit down at a table after he dropped a bill in a stripper and openly weep into his hands.

Hot Wings and a Wink

I’m an idiot and I forgot my I.D. before this luncheon so the husky bouncer turned me away. I had to run back to fetch it and by the time I returned – the food was at the table. Incidentally, there is something very weird and awkward about slurping down hot wings and blue cheese at a strip club when your table is basically on stage. I’m not sure if it was the brisk walk to fetch my I.D., the spicy wing sauce or the gigantic extruding vagina in my face winking like an airlock, but I started to sweat… a lot.

Close, open, wink, quief, smell, butt gyration, repeat. Gross.

Return Policy

The interesting thing about D.C. strip clubs is that you can’t touch any of the strippers and you really aren’t supposed to break the plane of the stage. The result is this awkward exchange where the patrons place a dollar in the g-string of said stripper and then kind of lurch there like a zombie trying to get as close to the performance as possible without getting meatspun by the bouncers.

I LOVE your vagina dancing but i HATE miming.

This, for some reason, did not deter the lunch group I was with, who somehow saw it fit to take money OFF the stage after they had thrown it on, and fight between the two of them over who would actually place the money in the policewoman’s holster. The only reason the bouncer didn’t come over and crush their balls was because the old man’s pay and weep routine was so depressingly distracting at 1155am no one was paying attention to anything else except him, and everyone was reevaluating their life choices.

My Recommendation

Don’t come here for lunch and especially don’t come here sober. It will haunt your dreams in ways you can’t even imagine. You might run into your dad crying into a table.

Event: Patriots Football

Where: Kelly’s Irish Times

When: Sunday in the fall

Quick Facts:

Food: No limit 25 cent wings. Tasty.

Drinks: $3.00 Miller Lite, Bud Light, $4.00 seasonal Sam Adams draft. On Saturday nights they have an all the beer you can drink for $15.00 event that i hear pulls in a lot of young trim and dong. (Sneaky Sunday claims you can find a good hookup here on the weekend. While their generic review doesn’t demonstrate ANY firsthand experience whatsoever, Sansconnie can confirm that it does indeed get close and moist down in the basement)

Ladies: Boston-Irish daywalkers, peppered with some hot asiatica.

Soymilk

Gentlemen: See above sansasiatica.  There is one 450lber who rolls in around 1:30 and will take shots of Beam until he is purple. Fun to watch. Also this guy is a permanent fixture:

Smoothie anybody?

This guy is amazing and can out-drink anyone at the bar including the Purple Beam Giant. Ancient Irish legend only endows this kind of imbibing prowess with Smoothie status which would effectively eliminate interest in women allowing pure focus on consumption. I’ve seen this guys nipples so technically he’s a “nullo” according to purists like Splitdik as he asserts on his site:

“And then there are those extreme eunuchs for whom deballing is simply not enough. A nullo is a neuter who has also had the shaft of his penis removed, leaving only a urethral opening and scar tissue where a dingaling once hung. Nullos are also called smoothies, although purists insist that a true smoothie is a nullo who has also excised his nipples.”

Alas I’m no purist and I say we give him a pass on the nips until the end of this season.

Scene: This is a repeat crowd, so if you see something milky that catches your eye, don’t get all moist, he or she will be back next week, they come every Sunday. It’s the kind of place that gets a lot more fun the longer you are there and the revelry and camaraderie permits an overlook of the classic Boston racism in favoring Wes Welka over Randy Moss because “Wes Welka is sooo fast!” Don’t bother pointing out how much faster Randy is.

“Give me your thirsty, your famished, your befuddled masses”

This is Kelly’s motto and the crowd is definitely thirsty, befuddled and not so much famished as unaturally hungry - for wings. They play other games here as well and different fan contingents show up at different times when the Patriots aren’t on - its an all day affair. Overall its a fun crowd with cheap food and drinks making for a nice Sunday Funday. Bring your quarters for the wings and buy the Nullo a shot for good health in 2009.